Friday, September 10, 2010

Broliver Presents: Helpless in Halifax.

Dear Brethren,
As I earlier stated I would leave Montreal to drive to the Maritime town of Halifax.

My friend Dave and I ventured forth, two men spawned of concrete and smoke, with clear minds, damaged livers and 1L bottles of Oasis juice. Goddamn the Oasis flowed like wine in an ancient Greek orgy.

The drive to Edmunston, NB was mostly uneventful, upon arriving we decided to discover the legendary nightlife of Edmunston, it was a Sunday, a long-weekend Sunday. The strange looking ham-hock at the counter directed us to the bar district, which was in actuality in another town because the actual township of Edmunston had absolutely not bar scene whatsoever. After a quick 15 minute cruise in the Chariot we arrived at the directed destination. It was a single bar, with maybe 15 people in their mid-50's milling around, colorfully speaking in French, apparently NB is quite French. I was confused by their nonsensical gibberish. I also noticed some signs alluding to a "beerfest" inside. To my delight I found several tables with different beers and descriptions and taster glasses, I decided to drink as much as I could as fast as I could, it seemed logical and warranted some strange looks from the locals. Dave emerged from the bathroom looking shocked, he had just read the advertisement for tonight's event and it was a $30 cover charge for the beer tasting, upon realizing this we left before some sort of confrontation broke out. We continued to drive around Edmunston, attempting to get into residence and screaming things such as "Fuck Edmunstons!". We then put on girls gone wild and went to sleep.

The next day we stopped at a couple Casinos, realized how depressed the gambling crowd is and continued on with the adventure. The next day in Halifax we attended several keg-parties, I successfully downed a pitcher of beer through a 20-something foot beer-bong that dangled from the roof of the house. Witnesses were impressed. Games of flip-cup were conquered, memories became hazy and cops broke everything up.

Since arriving in Halifax I've gone out every night in a quest to indulge in some prime, young, maritime CUNT. To no avail thus far but the efforts have been noteworthy. I've also discovered the secret to getting into almost anything you want, first off if there is a line you should never dare to stand in that shit. You must walk past the entire thing like a baws, and if it's an inexperienced doorman like at a party or some sort of student rave you simply just rip past them without engaging eye contact or acknowledging their existence, they will probably say something to you at this point and you ignore it and keep going, it won't be worth their effort.
Bouncers at bars and clubs require a little more skill, but for the most part you must bombard them with random facts and irrelevant information "I have OCD I can't help it, everytime I get a stamp I immediately scrub it off in the washroom, my shoes are brown tonight, this club is my home etc."

Using those somewhat obvious tactics I've been able to get into everything except for one bar last night since I've been here, which is around 6 different venues and a few in Montreal. Plus it adds an element of adventure and fun to the night.

Anyway so I got here on Tuesday, that night was complete mayhem, it included 2 keg parties getting busted up by police, kereokee (I sang Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls, it was beyond epic, my friend did Don't Want to Miss a Thing and got gonged off stage), getting banned from the residence multiple times and having the police called on us (we were urinating on stuff and tearing down posters, juvenile antics at their best) and some girl decided to draw a face of a dog on my arm in a strange way by describing each bit as a man being stranded on an island, I can't describe it through text and it confused and angered me so I drew a man shooting himself in the head on her arm, it made me feel better.

I also remember going into a dorm, hooking speakers up to the people's laptop and putting Animal Rights, Wolfgang's and Deadmau5's new collab on and leaving. What a nice guy I am eh?

Anyways the next night involved more ridiculous shenanigans like walking past a 30 minute or so line and straight into this student-type rave thing without paying the cover, making out with some random raver chick for a while and then peacing out to the bars. Bars were dead but we saw two girls in the street and somehow convinced them to come back to our place within like 15 mins, smoked some weed but I guess it kind of all happened too fast for the girls and they panicked and left.

So yeah, Halifax is madness, tonight should lead to some new adventures and I'll always remember those pants are on me in spirit, I hope to one day wear them, but I don't even come close to fitting into a size 29, I don't think my bone structure allows for that, but that's irrelevant.

Stoked to see you guys, and excited to meet the rest of my brethren that I am not so well acquainted with, I 'm sure we will make the bestest of bros.

Long live the pantz.

If you read this random rambling comment on it and then post a similarly lengthed rambling on your last couple days, regardless of how uneventful, just let us know what's up. I know I didn't create this blog (thank you, Naresh) but I feel we all must post some detailed information about our lives to let one another know what's going on.

No comments:

Post a Comment