Thursday, September 16, 2010

Broliver Presents: Wing Night

Evening Brethren,
So tonight I wasn't really planning on doing anything, after the pee debacle I began to doubt my capability of doing anything. But apparently it was cheap wing night at Maxwell's, which was a nice little bar. I asked the waitress if there was to be a beverage purchased in order to engage in cheap wing night (in those words) there was, so I ordered a milk and 30 wings, mixed honey garlic and hot. Nothing really eventful happened, I ate my wings like a good boy, wasn't very difficult but felt poisoned and overloaded with sodium afterwards. My friends and I discussed O.J Simpson, Robert Pickton and whether the sanitary napkins were for wiping the jizz off our dicks after cheap wings or for wiping our asses after shitting all the cheap wings out immediately after. They were for hands, boring. After wing night we cruised by a bar called Pogue which looked absolutely packed and had a huge line up. We then dropped our friend Charlie off at home and went back to Pogue, looking for a way in without line or paying cover.

Note: At this point I am completely stuffed from 30 wings, gaseous from lactose and sober as an egg.
We tried the back door, there was a bouncer but we tried to just walk past , he stopped us and said it was only an exit and that we weren't allowed in that way. Then we went to the front and tried the old stamp line-up then flash a blank wrist trick. This didn't work either, apparently it was the "staff lineup" which seems fucky. Anyway, we sort of just squeezed into a spot very close to the front of the line, went in, told the stamp girl "I was here earlier for wings and I didn't get a stamp when I left" she kind of looked at me and I just stared into her eyes giving her a look like "Yep I was definitely in here, telling the truth" then she looked at the other girl and just gave me a stamp. Booyah, avoided $5 cover.

Rolled up to 3 seated girls and sat down with them, they weren't down, then their friend came up and accused me of stealing her seat. I'm completely sober and I have no desire to argue with drunks so I just peace out. I see this complete CUTIE just standing there with her friend so go up, put my arm around her, tell her she's adorable and that I had to meet her. Her eyes totally lit up and was stoked to see me, we exchanged names and more playful hugging and holding and shit ensued. They wanted me to go to the front of the bar so they could order drinks from them. I told them I'm not their butler, however relevant that is. Anyway I decided to myself that I'd show off my cool flashlight trick to them and said I'd lead them to the front but I wouldn't get them drinks. So I shine the light start booming "Move Scuse Me Outta the Way" everyone moves, I get right to the bar, (there was a huge crowd around the bar) with my honies, and some dude who I pushed in front and in between him and his girl asks "yo so what did you want... are you just ordering a drink... you're not even a bouncer??" at this point I'm cracking up saying "I just have a flashlight man, that's it" and this dude is elated he's like "I'm not even mad! I'm impressed, I'm bringing a fucking flashlight next time" I slap him five and it's all good but I notice some chodes are encroaching on my girl and her friend so I have to constantly keep turning her around and hugging her in and what not, but in the end it's not worth it because I lost her friend and friends always stick together, cunts.

After that I see this total stunner, like a 9 in my books, like 5'8", blonde, bright blue eyes, sexy body, total smoke show bomb shell. she's with a brunette friend who my buddy dave opens up and then I go for the blonde, grab her hand and raise it above our heads to initiate a dance spin thing and just start chanting "SPIN SPIN SPIN" so she spins around, starts laughing and is super stoked. I pull her into me and start calling her a salsa dancer and telling her how good she is at that. Then she goes to shake my hand and tells me her name is Paula I tell her "I don't do that" then hug her, lift her up and spin around (spinhug move), she's absolutely loving it! At this point I just pull her in and our crotches are just sort of rocking against eachother and it's total love bubble at this point.

Then I look over and her brunette friend is pulling her to the bar but I just keep holding on and making her hold eye contact, the brunette gives up and peaces out, so I thought. She comes back with 2 fat dykes who both grab my girl start yanking her from me, I'm trying to be as nice as possible introducing myself telling the two fatties they can't leave cause we're not friends yet, the bitch responds "I don't fucking care who are you! I'm taking my friend to the fucking bar to get a drink!" total bitch! My friend is just looking all sad getting dragged away by 3 dragons.

I attempted the spin hug move on a girl in a group of 3 girls, she's like freaking out and kicking and shit because there was no intro, just me man handling her. She seems taken aback but laughing at the same time afterwards, both her friends have their backs turned and she's pretty pissed with me. I tell her that I was just testing social boundaries and was pleased I got away without a slap, then kind of walked away (total chode, but this girl wasn't really good looking, it seems the hotter they are the more outlandish the shit you can do)

I see Paula again like 10 minutes later (after accidentally elbowing a girl in the face on the dance floor) She's waiting for a huge crowd to disperse, it isn't moving, the bar is so packd noone can move, so I go "yo do you want to get across that crowd really fast?"
She's obviously stoked on the idea, so I whip out the old flashlight trick, crowds part, she's amazed, pull her in for more 1 on1 , starting to get a boner at this point and just holding her against me (Purposefully not going for the makeout to build tension, I've pointlessly made out with enough girls in bars and clubs to realize it often leads nowhere, I'd rather let that fire of love-tension just burn between us). She's pawing and giving the eyes of desire etc. Some chode comes up and starts talking to her, some friend douche, I knew he wasn't a threat so I just chilled there giving her a "knowing grin" while this doder kept talking, I pulled her away asked "who was that weird douche?" apparently it was a friend of her sister's and she doesn't like him.
Anyway my ride informs me that we have to go really soon, so as I'm talking to Paula 2 MORE of her friends, new friends, start dragging her away by the arms again, at this point I just say fuck it and accept the fact that I have to leave in 5 minutes. If I had a full night I could have pulled this girl but it would have been an insanely tough struggle with friends pulling her away at all corners.
Anyway, left the place, there was still a huge lineup outside as we were leaving and when they asked me why I left I said "Me and my buddy both fucked strippers in the washroom so there's no point in staying!" and some dude is like "NICE!"
Peace out homies.


  1. LIKE!,
    Sorry you cock got blocked by a ride home, shoulda grabbed her digits if she was a 9.
    what bar?
    also may i use this flashlight trick of yours?

  2. I'd be honored for you to use the flashlight. And with the number thing, through experience I've come to realize that getting a number from a drunk girl in a bar in an AMPED UP EXCITED state is going to lead nowhere, the next day they are a different person and aren't the kind of people who want to go out and meet up with the guy from the bar, unless it's a really solid lengthy interaction, this was more just like instant attraction kind of stuff and once I was gone I know it would fizzle up. I'm done with numbers from bars, I'm going for same night lays.

    Go out, get numbers from girls, call them up and see how many want to meet up, it's usually a pretty low number. Plus I had no phone on me haha.